Sometimes I just want to write. I don't want to feel pressured to be witty or intellectual or interesting. Then I remember that no one reads this and I realize that I could've just written down what I had wanted to and been done with it.

I haven't written on here in a while because I didn't want to re-read what I last wrote and be like "Yup, still haven't done anything that I said I was going to do." I'm just delaying the inevitable.

So, what's been happening in the life that is mine?

2013 has come and went. We are in the next year and it's been fairly good to me thus far.  Way to go 2014, keep up the good work.

Erika left for a month and in that period of time I worked, read, and got a lot of cups and mugs because it was Christmas.

I have a pseudo-boyfriend which is interesting.  We're seemingly happy and also keeping it a secret from any mutual acquaintance.  This is due to the fact that we work together and if everyone knew, it would just be awkward.  However, it does make for some interesting conversation.  Also, we're not officially dating or a couple or anything that remotely resembles a label and I do enjoy this, but I don't know what the rules are.  He said that I could sleep with other people but I'm 97.58% positive he'd be pissed about it.  One day we'll have that talk. Today is not that day.

Which promptly brings me to another bullet point; I'm having sex again.  I wanted to wait until it was meaningful and with the right guy in a steady relationship ... I mean, that's kind of what happened. It happened out of no where and very quickly but we just refer it to being "Our Normal".

Bache and Jensen are coming to visit soon. I don't want them to but they are.

I don't know what else.

Today in the Starbucks Shenanigans, I shall tell you about my weekend.  But first I shall tell you that the indecisive woman in front of me left her cell phone on the counter which makes me laugh.  It's one of those huge Galaxy III or something so how did she not notice missing basically a tablet? I don' t know.

Paul came to visit me for the weekend.  SO RANDOM.  I'm very proud of myself because I did not succumb to peer pressure and do anything with him that I did not want to do.  In the process of doing this I allegedly hurt his feelings.  What he didn't seem to be able to understand was that it wasn't for him to take personally, it was my choice.  He's not used to having a relationship with me that isn't in some way more than friendly and now he's going to have to deal with it.

The phone lady just came back.  Well done, phone lady.

More importantly than all of this, I recently learned that my Niecephew is officially a Niece.  I'll continue calling her niecephew probably for the entirety of her life.  She'll get used to it.

Wireless Internet For Idiots

I was reading a Huffington Post article my friend posted.  This alone is insignificant.  Hold on, the point is coming.  The article was 12 steps to get out of your mid-life crisis.  There were a few things on this list that caught my attention and I wonder how I would go about doing them.  Especially number twelve which encourages alcoholism when steps 1-11 fail.

There was one step about finding your passion and making a career out of it.  The article said to think about an activity that makes you happy.  This activity makes you tune out the outside world and becomes the center of your universe while it's taking place.  Three things come to mind.  I zone out most when I'm dancing, reading, or writing.

I don't think I could ever be a professional dancer, I killed that dream when I found out at the ripe old age of 11 that to be a Rockette,you need to be tall.  I'm ringing in at barely five feet so yes, that is out of the running.

How do you become  a professional reader? Is that even a job? Or is that like a book editor in which I would have to go back and probably get a degree in English lit which I won't do.  I should google this more.

Writing would be fun but I like writing like this.  Informal.  On my own topics that are interesting to me.  I'm not interesting enough to run a successful blog.  No one even reads this.  It's like an homage to myself. My electronic diary that I'll look back on as I have all my diaries and shuddered at all my cringeworthy angst and turmoil.

Such is life. I spend 40% of my time at various Starbucks so I should just start a series called the Starbucks Shenanigans and spy on people.  Instant best-seller.

Today in the Starbucks Shenanigans, A man procured a headache after being on a job interview for over two hours.  He then preceded to grab a Grande-something-or-other and call multiple people to tell them about his afternoon.  The shop has been noisy so he could not hear his companions on the other end very well but that did not stop him from talking even louder and making more than one phone call from the same seat which had spotty reception.  I eventually moved chairs due to failing wifi and lack of power outlet.

Fun fact- Wifi does not stand for anything.  That is actually the whole word.  I don't know if I've talked about that before but it baffles me.  Who would think up wifi? Why wifi? If it were to be an acronym, what do you think it would stand for?

Wireless Internet For Idiots

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

Also, some guy just walked up to the register and did a jig.  If he gets free coffee from doing a jig, I'm forever doing that from this day forward.

The Runaway

On occasion, I get this unsettling nerve to run.  I don't mean run as in the physical activity, I mean it as in to flee.  Something will change in my mindset and my entire surroundings just aren't acceptable any longer, as if by magic.  

When we're children, running away seemed like terrible, dangerous and reckless act.  I often thought about it after getting into a row with my parents or something else which was likely inconsequential, but never went through with it.  How could I have? I had no money, no sense of direction.  I'd end up just walking in circles around my neighborhood and when the street lights turned on I knew I had to go home where it was safe. Even if I didn't want to be there.  

The first opportunity I had to escape was college.  I left the state and because of a boy, I ran back.  Then I left again for almost a year which was the best year of my entire life. I should have stayed there, but I didn't.  Now, I've run again and although this is the most independent I have ever felt and I'm so happy to be here, the part of me that is programmed to pack up and go is already planning my next move. 

Is this still considered running away? Is it wanderlust? Is it being scared to settle down? Most likely it's a combination of the three.  

It raises the question "Are you ever too old to run away?"  If the answer is no, then I wonder when will it stop? Or perhaps more importantly, do I want it to?

Starbucks Envy

I'm sitting in Starbucks trying to assess my life goals as one casually does on a Monday evening, and the man that's been sitting across from me is fascinating.  He was here when I walked in so he has been sitting in the same spot doing who knows what for at least three hours.  He has had at least 2 coffee's, a tea, bought one snack, and is now eating his own snack he must have brought with him.  This snack is also double zip locked bagged which I don't understand.  He's dressed like he works in an office, he has a Macbook and brought his own mouse and mousepad with him.

I want to know what he does.  Or what he's doing. And how if he's being paid for it, how can I be paid for it too?

I had a year To-do list and I've lost it so I can't really remember what's on it anymore.  Well, I'm remaking this list right now.  I've been job searching again because I need a second job and I don't really want to have another crappy part time thing but I haven't been able to find anything remotely interesting that I'm qualified for.  If there was a job listing that said something along the lines of:

"Looking for College Graduate who loves to browse on social media, read novels, drink too much, and be awkward. Please apply here."

I'd be set for life. So for now, I suppose I'll stalk the job listings websites and hope Petsmart will give me more hours.

Between now and January, this is what I want to accomplish.

-Second job
-Less partying
-Healthier
-Start dating

I can do this.  I have to do this.  I've been having such a quarter-life crisis this month and I've been going out  A LOT which has been pointless because I don't even have much fun.  I've gotten black-out drunk a few times. Thrown up a lot. Basically, I'm killing myself because I don't want to deal with my emotional instability.  Le sigh.

I think Starbucks guy got another coffee.  And he took out another granola bar.  I don't understand anything.

This might be the wine talking

I've been single for almost two years.  After an excruciating heart break with a very dramatic relationship, I've vowed to (probably) never find someone else.  Well, so far this has been true.  I have had relations with a few people, yet have always stuck to my pretenses with the "I don't want a boyfriend. Being single is way more fun. Relationships are too much work. I don't want to lose myself again."None of that has been a fabrication. In fact, I still hold true to most of that.  Yet, I find myself wanting.  Not just a physical relation, not even a commitment, but someone.

I keep thinking about my past relationships both consciously and unconsciously and it's driving me mad.  I miss the companionship. I miss the butterflies.  I miss the honesty.  What I previously "vowed" has not been what's keeping me from venturing out into the dating pool. It's just now that I'm thinking about it, he -or anyone- could misinterpret my relationship status as a homage to him.

Him and I don't talk.  I'm fairly certain that he's dating someone else at the moment which is more than fine by me.  There is a 98.43% chance he doesn't ever think about my existence let alone if I'm dating yet.  So why is he on my mind? I don't know.

Maybe it's because it would have been our six year anniversary last week.  Or my other long-term squeeze, eight years.  Perhaps it is because it's almost to the two year mark of which the relationship came to an end.  Perhaps the myth that if you're dreaming of someone, they're often thinking of you is true?

Whatever the case, I have long since moved on from my past and might be ready to start anew.  Wish me luck?

Rantings of the Pre-Menstrual.

Today has been a hell of a day.

I had work at seven o'clock this morning so I pried myself out of bed and was in such a state of I-better-hurry-the-fuck-up-or-I'll-be-late, that I didn't have time to make myself tea (for the second morning in a row) and I completely forgot to grab my glasses before I headed out the door.

I didn't realize this until I was pulling out of our apartment in the dark and being like "Why is everything blurry?". Mind you, this is at 6:30 am, I have nothing in my system, and the sun has not risen yet.  So I prayed all the way to work. This is what I imagine drunk driving feels like. (Spoiler: I made it.)

While at work, I had literally nothing to do for the first two hours.  The store doesn't open it's doors until nine and there wasn't much to stock. I resorted to playing with a laser pointer and annoying the cats with it.  It eventually picked up a half hour before my shift was over and in this time span, I encountered my favorite customer...

She was probably in her 70s so she should have known better, but I'm so used to these types of inquiries that I barely notice them anymore.  It was her reaction that took me by surprise.

Customer: So, what do you call that hairstyle?
Me: Waardenburg Syndrome.
Customer : ... Oh... Are you okay!?
Me: Haha, yeah I'm fine it's just a lack of pigment.
Customer: Okay, I'm glad.  ::Insert family story she told to try and redeem herself:: I'm glad you're not punk.
Me: Nope, it's natural.
Customer: ::Awkwardly waves and walks away::

I still don't know whether I should be happy she was concerned once she found out that I had a medical condition, or offended that she looks down upon punk people.

When I was driving home, it started to sprinkle and I nearly had a panic attack.  My inner monologue went something like "I don't have my glasses on, if it starts to pour I'm screwed. There's no place to turn off the road. I just want Dunkin Donuts. I'm going to die."

The rain stopped in about a minute, I only ended up getting a drink because THEY NEVER HAVE PUMPKIN MUFFINS!! Seriously, if it's the fall season and you're advertising pumpkin flavored items, make more of those than the other items so you don't sell out by 11 am and leave disgruntled PMS-ing customer's muffin-less.

I went home where I proceeded to binge eat for about two hours and now here I am, reflecting on the day that is long from over.

Honestly, I just want a milkshake from Steak and Shake.