The Runaway

On occasion, I get this unsettling nerve to run.  I don't mean run as in the physical activity, I mean it as in to flee.  Something will change in my mindset and my entire surroundings just aren't acceptable any longer, as if by magic.  

When we're children, running away seemed like terrible, dangerous and reckless act.  I often thought about it after getting into a row with my parents or something else which was likely inconsequential, but never went through with it.  How could I have? I had no money, no sense of direction.  I'd end up just walking in circles around my neighborhood and when the street lights turned on I knew I had to go home where it was safe. Even if I didn't want to be there.  

The first opportunity I had to escape was college.  I left the state and because of a boy, I ran back.  Then I left again for almost a year which was the best year of my entire life. I should have stayed there, but I didn't.  Now, I've run again and although this is the most independent I have ever felt and I'm so happy to be here, the part of me that is programmed to pack up and go is already planning my next move. 

Is this still considered running away? Is it wanderlust? Is it being scared to settle down? Most likely it's a combination of the three.  

It raises the question "Are you ever too old to run away?"  If the answer is no, then I wonder when will it stop? Or perhaps more importantly, do I want it to?

Starbucks Envy

I'm sitting in Starbucks trying to assess my life goals as one casually does on a Monday evening, and the man that's been sitting across from me is fascinating.  He was here when I walked in so he has been sitting in the same spot doing who knows what for at least three hours.  He has had at least 2 coffee's, a tea, bought one snack, and is now eating his own snack he must have brought with him.  This snack is also double zip locked bagged which I don't understand.  He's dressed like he works in an office, he has a Macbook and brought his own mouse and mousepad with him.

I want to know what he does.  Or what he's doing. And how if he's being paid for it, how can I be paid for it too?

I had a year To-do list and I've lost it so I can't really remember what's on it anymore.  Well, I'm remaking this list right now.  I've been job searching again because I need a second job and I don't really want to have another crappy part time thing but I haven't been able to find anything remotely interesting that I'm qualified for.  If there was a job listing that said something along the lines of:

"Looking for College Graduate who loves to browse on social media, read novels, drink too much, and be awkward. Please apply here."

I'd be set for life. So for now, I suppose I'll stalk the job listings websites and hope Petsmart will give me more hours.

Between now and January, this is what I want to accomplish.

-Second job
-Less partying
-Healthier
-Start dating

I can do this.  I have to do this.  I've been having such a quarter-life crisis this month and I've been going out  A LOT which has been pointless because I don't even have much fun.  I've gotten black-out drunk a few times. Thrown up a lot. Basically, I'm killing myself because I don't want to deal with my emotional instability.  Le sigh.

I think Starbucks guy got another coffee.  And he took out another granola bar.  I don't understand anything.

This might be the wine talking

I've been single for almost two years.  After an excruciating heart break with a very dramatic relationship, I've vowed to (probably) never find someone else.  Well, so far this has been true.  I have had relations with a few people, yet have always stuck to my pretenses with the "I don't want a boyfriend. Being single is way more fun. Relationships are too much work. I don't want to lose myself again."None of that has been a fabrication. In fact, I still hold true to most of that.  Yet, I find myself wanting.  Not just a physical relation, not even a commitment, but someone.

I keep thinking about my past relationships both consciously and unconsciously and it's driving me mad.  I miss the companionship. I miss the butterflies.  I miss the honesty.  What I previously "vowed" has not been what's keeping me from venturing out into the dating pool. It's just now that I'm thinking about it, he -or anyone- could misinterpret my relationship status as a homage to him.

Him and I don't talk.  I'm fairly certain that he's dating someone else at the moment which is more than fine by me.  There is a 98.43% chance he doesn't ever think about my existence let alone if I'm dating yet.  So why is he on my mind? I don't know.

Maybe it's because it would have been our six year anniversary last week.  Or my other long-term squeeze, eight years.  Perhaps it is because it's almost to the two year mark of which the relationship came to an end.  Perhaps the myth that if you're dreaming of someone, they're often thinking of you is true?

Whatever the case, I have long since moved on from my past and might be ready to start anew.  Wish me luck?

Rantings of the Pre-Menstrual.

Today has been a hell of a day.

I had work at seven o'clock this morning so I pried myself out of bed and was in such a state of I-better-hurry-the-fuck-up-or-I'll-be-late, that I didn't have time to make myself tea (for the second morning in a row) and I completely forgot to grab my glasses before I headed out the door.

I didn't realize this until I was pulling out of our apartment in the dark and being like "Why is everything blurry?". Mind you, this is at 6:30 am, I have nothing in my system, and the sun has not risen yet.  So I prayed all the way to work. This is what I imagine drunk driving feels like. (Spoiler: I made it.)

While at work, I had literally nothing to do for the first two hours.  The store doesn't open it's doors until nine and there wasn't much to stock. I resorted to playing with a laser pointer and annoying the cats with it.  It eventually picked up a half hour before my shift was over and in this time span, I encountered my favorite customer...

She was probably in her 70s so she should have known better, but I'm so used to these types of inquiries that I barely notice them anymore.  It was her reaction that took me by surprise.

Customer: So, what do you call that hairstyle?
Me: Waardenburg Syndrome.
Customer : ... Oh... Are you okay!?
Me: Haha, yeah I'm fine it's just a lack of pigment.
Customer: Okay, I'm glad.  ::Insert family story she told to try and redeem herself:: I'm glad you're not punk.
Me: Nope, it's natural.
Customer: ::Awkwardly waves and walks away::

I still don't know whether I should be happy she was concerned once she found out that I had a medical condition, or offended that she looks down upon punk people.

When I was driving home, it started to sprinkle and I nearly had a panic attack.  My inner monologue went something like "I don't have my glasses on, if it starts to pour I'm screwed. There's no place to turn off the road. I just want Dunkin Donuts. I'm going to die."

The rain stopped in about a minute, I only ended up getting a drink because THEY NEVER HAVE PUMPKIN MUFFINS!! Seriously, if it's the fall season and you're advertising pumpkin flavored items, make more of those than the other items so you don't sell out by 11 am and leave disgruntled PMS-ing customer's muffin-less.

I went home where I proceeded to binge eat for about two hours and now here I am, reflecting on the day that is long from over.

Honestly, I just want a milkshake from Steak and Shake.

Book Haul, Y'all

I've been reading a lot of books lately.

The Great Gatsby

Reflected In You

Entwined With You

Never Let Me Go

and I've finished A Feast for Crows which did get more exciting and fast paced towards the end.

As of right now, I am in the middle of reading Jenny Lawson's Let's Pretend This Never Happened.  There is a good chance that it may become my favorite book.  I always say that the last book I've read is my favorite which is true, but this is hysterical.  If you haven't read it, I highly encourage you to. It's a memoir of mostly true, some slightly exaggerated or false tails of her life so far.  

One of the coolest parts about it is that she's a blogger.  Not that I consider myself a blogger or an author.  Not that I inspire to write a novel one day... but that would be amazing to have your work put out into the world.  I'd love to be an editor, however I still do love the idea of being a School Psychologist or even at this point a Guidance counselor.  Who knows when I'll get my shit together (aka. money) to do that.  

For now I'll just be swimming in credit card debt and hoping I can pay rent on time.  It's the simple things in life... 

I was in my first car accident last night.

Was going across the street to buy wine as one does, and I got into an accident.  It was bound to happen sooner or later. I would have preferred later.

I'm rather annoyed.

So ...

I've been away for a while.  What have I been doing? Mostly going insane.  Once I got back from Canada, I spent a week harassing people on the phone with my mom and got an apartment! Then I quickly had to go to Boston to say hi and bye to my friends which was a shit-show.  A few days later, Mother and I were off on our five day road trip to Austin.  I've been here exactly a week so far and it's going well. Can't wait for my roommate to get here in about two weeks and for my parents to leave because they're exhausting.  Also, my sister dropped the bomb on us that she's expecting. I'm going to have a niecephew in April! Coincidentally, it's birthday will be the same week as mine.  That little shit.  Take a look at what I've been up to in my absence.